I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
