This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
