Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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