I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think I won the penis lottery.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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