I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
