Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The struggles of a small town man whore
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
