I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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