i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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