I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
