You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
