I could make wine with my vomit
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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