Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
