you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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