ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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