the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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