So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
