and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize