you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
