could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
