How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
