I just made out with a guy for $7.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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