I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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