You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
