yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
