well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
