Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
