just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
