It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
