remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
