I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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