I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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