I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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