whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
