You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
