i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
