I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
we should paint friendship bongs
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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