Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
