My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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