She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
