Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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