He uses pillows to masturbate.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize