He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
