Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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