Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
