She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
