I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
