WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
