I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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