sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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