My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
we're so committed to being not committed
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
