I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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