I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
