one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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