Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
