Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
