She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
