i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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