i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
